Single on purpose

I’ll be 32 in less than a month, and I'm still single. Five years ago that reality would have depressed me, today it's a comfortable truth. I won't provide any falsehoods. I fully expected to be married with a kid, 4 bedroom house, Master’s degree in hand, and a nice car. Well I got the car! Anyway, saying all that to say I had expectations for my life that were based on societal opinions of where “I should be.” I believed that if I was single at a certain age, there was something wrong. I had to be doing this or that. But if I’m honest, I mean completely transparent, I wasn't ready. Hell, I wasn't really ready till a few months ago. That realization hit during my last relationship.

I noticed slight changes in my daily mannerisms, the way I talked to him, the compromises I was willing to make, and what I was willing to accept. I was honest about my expectations and spoke up when I was unhappy with something. And even more shocking, there were a few times when I had to take a step back and say “babe, I’m in my feelings right now and I can't hear you, let's talk about this later.” It honestly was a great relationship with a great guy and when it ended, I walked away whole because I entered it whole. I mean I had my little pissy fit, drank a little bit, and had the obligatory break up night with the girls. Ok, a few “break up” nights with the girls, but the point is I wasn't “niggas ain't shit" angry.

It’s not like an I hate men and I don’t ever want to date again type thing. It’s like, this was a serious and significant relationship in my life, I honor that and want to give it the respect its due. Think about it like you went on a trip. This relationship is my suitcase. Normally when I return from a trip, I let my suitcase sit untouched for a while, honestly about a week or two. Eventually I’ll get tired of looking at it and decide to unpack it. I unpack everything, wash clothes and then let the clean clothes sit in the basket awhile. When I finally fold and put away all the clean clothes, I also clean my house, top to bottom. I clean fixtures, baseboards, throw out old and unnecessary items, and reorganize. Before I have any new visitors, I make sure my home is in pristine condition. I feel the same way about my life and romantic relationships.

Like I said before, I was able to walk out of this situation (or  any other for that matter) whole because that's the way I walked into it. Before there was an opportunity for him to even approach me, I had to get me in check. And let me tell you, looking in the mirror is no easy task and I needed some help doing it. So I went and sat my ass on “them peoples” couch and told all my business. And you know what, it helped, a lot. Therapy helped me to fix me which was the common denominator in every single failed relationship (romantic, familial, or platonic) in my life. I took inventory, adjusted my attitude, fixed my face, and most importantly I changed my mind about what I wanted and expected from those who I allowed  to enter my life.

The season of single is sacred. There is something to be said for being guilt freely selfish. Having the opportunity to learn you, is priceless. It's a necessary time that we all too often take for granted. We're in such a rush to have sex or commit that we fail to see the satisfying simplicity in a good conversation. Singleness should be purposeful. Being single on purpose is by far the best thing I've ever done for myself and it provides better results. The most ironic part about this epiphany, if you will, is I’m actively dating more now than I did previously. Let me specify, casually dating. Don't get stuck on that.

I know this is not by far what you're used to from me on Tuesday, but every now and then I gotta remind yall I got a little sense. 😊

#t4