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I was at a family gathering at my grandmother's house a couple of years ago and I had on a top that showed some cleavage. At the time, i'm sure I didnt think anything of wearing the top, as it didnt have the girls "hanging out." My now 75 year old grandmother told me I need to cover up. When I asked why, she said that men were coming over to the house. Now these men, were my blood related uncles and cousins. I was completely lost, like ok grandma, and? She told me I need to cover up my breasts so they won't be looking at me. I distinctly remember my reply, "well they need to fix they damn eyes."

I was instantly pissed off! We already had men in the house. My three younger male cousins and my aunt's husband were already there, and grandma didn't have an issue with my clothing. But as soon as there was a rumble of the presence of extended family members, she had an issue with my attire.

Now lets address a few things. My grandmother was born in 1943. A generation in which modesty was synonymous with womanhood. I'm a plus size girl, always have been and grandma has an issue if I wear a skirt above my knees. I opted out of going to church with my family and witnessing a christening because I wore a skirt that showed my kneecaps. Now being who I am, I definitely pissed her off a few times. I've worn a few illicit outfits around her just to get a rise in my early twenties and it never failed. She would be 38 hot, my mom would shake her head, and I'd go on acting as if i didn't have a care in the world.

Present day at 32, I wouldn't dare wear anything so risque, if you will, in her presence. I think her views are misguided, but my opinion doesn't mean I have any less respect for her views.

(FAIR WARNING: this is where it gets ignit)

Having said that, lets rewind just a little to the Ariana Grande debacle at mother Retha's fune'l last week. Let's address a few things:

* it was entirely too long, like who has a 7 hour funeral
*it wasnt a homegoing service, it was a telethon. I was just waiting for them to flash the 1-800 number to call and make a donation.
*Michael Eric Dyson is that NIGGA!
*I blame Big Sean. How you giving that lil white girl that black dick for year(s) and aint teach her shit? Bruh, you aint take her round ya momma and dem?
*Bill is BLACK! This is not up for debate.
*Jessie and Bill was like them two old men that sit and play dominoes on the corner. They watch girls walk by and then talk shit about how they would have them bent backwards in their hay day. But when the sun goes down they go home to their wives.
* why do we act like we aint got pervs in the black church?
*Bishop Ellis is a prime example of what's wrong with our culture and the black church!

(Now that the ignance has concluded...)

Here's the thing, black culture is a catch 22 in alot of ways. But lets specifically discuss how we demean our young women. Had Ariana been black and came out the dressing room wearing that dress, somebody in her camp would have snatched some sense into her real quick. That outfit would not have been approved, Period. But she's not black, and I doubt she has anyone around her who is familiar with or accustomed to our culture. At least I hope not. But, that doesnt give "our men" the right to oogle her as a sex object openly and in the pulpit no less. Now looking gawking even is one thing, but to physically touch her in an inappropriate manner is just beyond ridiculous and borderline sexual assault. Not only did Ellis hold her in a visibly uncomfortable embrace while speaking into the mic and apologize for mispronouncing her name, as she sidestepped to get out of his grasp he held her tighter, all the while inching his hand toward and then finally groping the side of her breast. To make matters worse, he issued some sorry ass apology.

The real issue is (I mean outside of a clergymen sexually assaulting a woman in public, of course) is that we have become accepting of this behavior and excused it as a part of manhood. We tell young girls that their outfits shouldn't entice men, their shirts shouldn't be low cut, their skirts shouldn't be short, or their heels shouldn't be high. If a young woman is taken advantage of, her attire doesnt matter. What matters is she was assaulted! Had one of my male extended family members said anything inappropriate to me at that family function, heads would have rolled. I mean we would have still been cleaning up blood from my grandmother's hunter green carpet. I always feel safe with my family and male friends. I have never once felt that any of them would put me in harms way or allowed anything even remotely inappropriate to be said to me in their presence let alone it come from one of them. Now, I had one uncle that always got drunk and wanted a hug, but he got right after he got cussed out by my auntie.

That's another thing, while there are admittedly perverts in our communities, there are also matriarchs and patriarchs "who ain't having it." We are victims and protected at the same time. It is confusing yet common. Accepted yet despised.

Heres the bottom line:

Ariana's outift was inappropriate for a funeral. She needs to take a que from Fantasia. (Granted there is both an age and cultural difference between the two.) But Ellis doesnt get a pass for trying to take advantage of her due to his position and her ignorance. If she wore a two piece suit, the infliction would be just as vile. We have to do a better job of holding our men accountable and curtailing this mindset of accepting predatory behavior.